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Extremely Cryptic but Inciting Title

Random picture from google of the ocean to add aesthetic so you’ll be interested in finding out more. Well, you’re already here, might as well keep reading.

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little fires everywhere.

i have wanted to return to writing for a very long time.

id sit and wait, hope for inspiration.

usually when i write, the words just flow. sense or nonsense, i can string together my thoughts to create something comprehensive. its not always good and it’s not always complete but something is always there.

rarely does my stream of consciousness fail me when I put my pen to paper. whether in a good or bad season, i have almost always been able to produce something.

for almost six months, i haven’t written a single word.

initially i told myself that i was just stressed. i had been struggling in several areas of my life and I felt like i was being held underwater. daily activities became chores and my body and mind began to fail me. ive faced depression and anxiety before but this time was different. it was like no matter what i did, how i prayed, what i saved, what i gave, bad things kept happening. i kept saying to myself “when things settle down, ill try to write again”

but they never did.

week after week, month after month, it felt like my issues had began to pile up, crushing me under their weight. every time i felt life could not get worse, it did.

every time i thought id hit rock bottom, the rug was pulled out from under me and i fell deeper and deeper into an abyss of my problems. with each blow i could feel my confidence, my hope, dying. as i spent days in my bed unable to work or even really think, i watched my will to live slip away. felt like i had my own personal monster, setting little fires everywhere. every time I put one out, another flame exploded in its place.

i realized that i couldn’t do anything i liked anymore. i stopped writing. my skateboard hasn’t been touched in months. i stopped trying to model or reach out to work with other creatives. anything I did was because someone reached out to me and I forced myself to make it happen.

and then came december.

never in my life have i experienced such hopelessness. i felt completely worthless, completely alone. i had my peace of mind ripped from me. i was robbed of my sleep, of my self worth. it felt like i had lost everything. even with the people who cared around me, i knew id never be the same. life has taken more from me than i thought i was capable of giving. and then it took some more.

i tried time after time to pick up my pen and write again. even if it was just a line, even if it didn’t make any sense. i wanted to desperately let my thoughts explode across the paper, to let my feelings take charge, but I could not. nothing came out, nothing.

i lost my love for life and i will not lie, I still haven’t found it. days bleed into weeks and i am still endlessly wading under water. there are still little fires and i am still trying to put them out. i wanted to wait till life was better, to tell the story of my darkest hour, but truth be told, i don’t know when that will be.

i try to add inspiration to my work but it is more important to be honest. i am very tired. i am hopeful for a better tomorrow but expectant of a day as bad as yesterday.

all i have is the hope that is is not the end.

that there is more to this life, more to my life.

that i am worth more than my hardships, and the situations i face. that everyday i get up, i have accomplished something.

that i am worth something.

it is extremely difficult to see a way out, so i hold on to the darkness. let it wrap me in it’s warm embrace, cuddling me and drawing me deeper. until i see the light, i will accept my darkness and hold on to it tightly, suffocate it, until it has no choice but to finally let me go.

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we all fall short of his glory.

It was very difficult for me to do this because I am in a season of fear. Fear that my flesh is stronger than the life God has planned for me. Fear that i won’t live up to expectations, from others and my own. Fear that I would be presenting a version of myself that is not really me.

Romans 3:23 says “for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”

Recently I’ve found myself falling into the same cycles of sin and running from God. We all know that no one is perfect but even as the daughter of a pastor, the mistakes I make pull me away from what I feel God wants me to be.

Every time I slip into sin, I withdraw from Gods word and presence because I feel that my shame is greater than him. Greater than the love he has for me. My sin and shame act a wall, a barrier that holds me back from God and his promises.

It’s not.

Currently, God is challenging me to trust in him despise my mistakes and missteps. I’m learning that God redeems me for his sake, not my own. It is selfish of me, to make a mistake and then hide. He has already seen it, and he redeems me, if I accept it from him. I must continually confront my sin and my mistakes in order to weed out the fertile ground in my life and make space for God to work in me. The weeds of my past pain and trauma, procrastination, and so many more are things that I need to continually confront until there is space for God to plant new good things in me.

The devil uses our shame as chains to keep us from what God wants for us. In order to step into the heritage his has planned for us, we need to let him uproot the things that we have done, faced, and that hold us back. Those things are weeds that are slowly killing the fertile ground of our hearts. God can not plant good things if the soil is weak, and there is no point in watering and feeding your heart good things if the weeds of your sin will suffocate them.

When we are able to take our the weeds and God has planted those good things, it is up to us to continually water and feed the fertile ground with his word and with the holy spirt. God will plant good things in us, but it is up to us to water the soil which is our minds, hearts and souls in order to keep those good seeds growing.

Currently, I am working on constantly surrendering myself and my thoughts to God. I am working on acknowledging those weeds and surrendering them to God so he can uproot them. I find myself trying to read the word and watch more messages because that is how I water my fertile ground. We all must find how best to renew our spirits and keep the ground that God needs to grow in us fertile. It is important not to beat yourself down when you fall, but to hold yourself accountable so you don’t keep falling.

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free.

So i haven’t written in a very time. My writers block has been very serious and spiritually connected.

You see, my ability to write is a gift. God bestowed on me the honor of using verbal language and written poetry to tell stories that can move mountains. The eloquence and authority I write with from comes from him, I know that now.

For a long time, I have been in a season of what I thought was loss. God forced some important people and things out of my life in the most heartbreaking ways. I felt like I had lost parts of my life, of myself. I have dealt with financial drain after financial drain, my mind body and soul are tired. my heart is weary.

So for a long time, i ran. I ran from my fear. From accountability, responsibility. From God. I’ve always been raised in the church, my father is a pastor, but I felt myself loosing my faith. I found temporary happiness in other things, searched for love in men who would never give me what I needed. Looked for relationship after relationship to fill the hole I felt inside. The decay. Deep inside me, my heart began to rot. I was angry all the time, distrusting and disloyal. I felt wronged and justified in my behavior. I deserved to feel good, and i was going to get it by any means necessary, even if it was just for the moment. Even if it after it faded I felt worthless. Even if after the high faded, the crippling depression remained.

Now the devil has been against me for almost all my life. There were several days before today that should have been my last. But God protected me. Doing so much to ensure that my body is not consumed. I’ll share those testimonies one day, this is the story of how God saved my mind.

Because the devil could not get to my body, he decided to attack my mind. I struggled with depression and anxiety for years, it growing and consuming me till I made it my identity. I was depressed. That’s what I told myself when I couldn’t get out of bed to go to class. When my heart was too heavy to open my laptop and do my assignments. When I chose to party over the deadlines I had following me. When I chose my “happiness” over my responsibilities. For so long the devil created thoughts of worthlessness and self doubt. That I deserved the way some men treated me, because what did I have that was important or special? I felt like I was not worthy of love, and so I chased it away. Followed what would only cause me pain. I felt horrible, evil and rotten. All I deserved was pain.

Finally I hit rock bottom, but not in the way you’d expect. I applied for something I didn’t get and it was painful. So painful. For the past two weeks I have been dealing with issue after issue, car trouble after car trouble. I felt like I had nothing left to give.

And so for the first time in close to a year , I got on my knees to pray. Now I’ve prayed in this last year, but it was 1 minute Uncle Ben’s ready rice type of prayer. This time I laid myself at the feet of Jesus and cried out to him. I laid my sin and pain at his feet. And he heard me. The devil wanted to keep me, but God said no, my purpose is greater. He said he had chosen me, all I had to do was choose him. Above my wants. Above my fears. Above myself and my unbelief.

And so I did. I chose life in Christ. In that moment, I chose to cast aside my unbelief and give my mind back and heart back to God for only him could really take care of them. I know it’s not going to be as easy once the high of the Holy Ghost comes down, but I will continue to choose him, every single day. I wasn’t in a season of loss, I was in a season of discomfort. God didn’t want me comfortable here, because I’m lazy and I’ll remain. His plans for me are so brilliant I couldn’t even comprehend them if I tried. God is creating a space where there is no space just for me, and preparing me to fill those shoes. But he needed me to lose so much, and grow so much.

Now this is just step one. I know there will be many trials and much harder obstacles to face. For the work God wants to do in me, there will be equal struggles. But they are not my battles, they are his. I am simply the vessel, and i am ready to be used. Anywhere I reach, it’s because I’m worthy. Of love. Of success. Of everything I allowed myself to believe I was not. AdeOluwa means the Lord’s Crown, and so i will always be on top. This is the beginning of my testimony.

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consumption.

sadness seeps in like whispers of smoke.

thin tendrils silently coil around your subconscious slowly feeding on your pride and joy.

it plants seeds of self doubt and self deceit,

that grow into weeds and suffocate any happiness you have left.

when you feel the cold hands of sadness reach your neck, suffocating your breath and clouding your subconscious,

do not let it.

do not allow the virus of sadness to fester and grow.

do not pick at the sadness like a scab that will not heal.

reject it.

as difficult as it maybe, do not allow yourself to slip into the the deep dark abyss of sadness.

do not allow the sadness to settle, because it will only get worse.

it will be difficult.

allowing sadness is quick sinking sand.

it is drifting to the deep end with no life vest.

don’t let the walls close in on you.

you are not your sadness.

do not allow it to consume you.

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how do i heal?

healing is a beautiful thing, but it is an ongoing process.

it doesn’t happen in a day.

sometimes you will feel 100% okay.

but sometimes, in a single instant, one thing can remind you of what you’ve left behind and drag you down to the deep abyss that is “missing you”.

you have to be able to stop and process when you are not okay.

let yourself hurt and feel.

let yourself miss all you lost, hurt for what happened to you.

you must actively work to forgive others and mainly yourself for whatever broke you.

there is strength in vulnerability, and there is no timeline for healing.

hold yourself accountable for your missteps but do not berate yourself for you too are only human.

perfection is a facade and trying to attain it will only cause you greater pain.

when you aim for healing, aim for restoration and rejuvenation, not perfection.

do not aim to be the person you used to be for old things have passed away and that person no longer exists.

always be honest with yourself and do not try to push to create a “stronger” persona if that is not who you are.

do not become a “savage” or think it’s time to hoe out, it’s not.

do not leave one connection and enter another with the hope of “forgetting.”

remember the strength in vulnerability? the ability to express emotion honesty and openly with those who support you is a wonderful thing.

it is not weak to cry, to admit that all is not well.

it is not weak to be honest that you are not okay.

in vulnerability you find peace and an ease to your burden.

do not be afraid to speak and be heard.

above all protect your peace.

do not go back to what broke you because that is all you know, there is more to life and you will find it.

do not seek “closure” in another for you can choose to close that chapter on your own.

do what is best for you, not what is easy or what seems right.

and one day, you will be 100% okay.

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would YOU date you?

A very popular idea recently is that if someone is for you, they will love you, EXACTLY as you are, flaws and all. This means you expect whoever is supposed to love you, to love you despite your missteps, bad behavior and all other personality commas.

Before you require someone to be with you for all you are, ask yourself this question, would YOU be with you?

So often we ask “God when” instead of “God why not?” You are not the best person you could be. There is so much growth and maturity you must go through. Why would you want someone to have to deal with your half form? Many of us want the cute twitter posts and the baecations in Bali but are you ready to deal with the strain of off camera love? Can you even afford Bali?

Relationships are work. To mold your life and plan your future in accordance to another is not easy. To be willing to admit your faults, speak up for what you deserve, concede even when you don’t want to is not easy.

Sometimes couples can grow together, but in order for that to be feasible, there needs to be a reasonable and solid base.

I for one know I am not perfect. As much as I’d love to have someone to share my life with, I constantly have to ask myself, what do I have to offer? What am I sharing?

Before you go banging on heavens gate asking for your “real one” ask yourself these questions:

Am I emotionally mature and communicative?

Do I have goals and am I working towards those goals?

Is God THE major focus in my life and am I letting him guide my steps?

Am I willing to accept my faults and change my negative traits not for my partner but for myself?

Am I willing to be honest about what I want and not compromise my fundamental principles to make someone else happy?

Am I willing to commit wholeheartedly to one person?

I’m still asking myself these questions and sometimes the answer sadly isn’t always so easy to admit to yourself. However it is important that you are willing to step into the person that is deserving of the love you so desperately crave.

If not, believe me, the both of you will crash and burn.

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love is not perfect and neither are you.

now i’ve always been a firm believer in not lowering your standards for a man.

no matter how high maintenance they call you, sometimes you just have to take it I order to find what you want.

that being said i have often times fallen off this wagon.

found myself lost in the sauce of love and emotions.

i’d beat myself for not following the strict principles i so valued simply because I am enamored and wrapped in the love and affection of a man.

i accept things and let things slide simply because i care for another.

acting erratically and out of the narrow box i called my character for love.

i allow others opinions of love to cloud my judgement with shallow points of view

my self comprise could get so bad, that i hurt the ones i love for fear that they will hurt me first.

now that is wrong.

love is not defined by the values you give it.

it can not be defined by the words of others, by their opinions or ideologies about what your love should be.

love is hard and personal. it is deep and unfailing.

love is not perfect, but.

there are some mistakes that can not be erased.

if you have fallen out of the narrow box of love, then build a new one.

leave space for missteps and mistakes.

there will be failure.

but the love will remain.

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my lover calls me pretty liar, but at least he thinks im pretty.

pretty liar, why’d you let me down?

your words sweet like the serpents death kiss

your accusations pierce like the lies you spoon fed me.

i am full of your love but in your love there is poison.

you kiss me slowly and take my breath away.

my thoughts and mind belong to you.

and in that kiss you steal my life.

break my trust and consume my heart.

our fairy tale has no happy ending.

because i am the pretty liar,

the poison is me.

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none of this is easy.

“Don’t worry you’ll feel better soon”

“I just don’t understand why you can’t see how amazing you are”

“Aren’t you tired of being sad and complaining all the time?”

Yes I am.

I am tired of waking up and doubting my own body.

Doubting my own mind.

I am tired of feeling less than and worthless.

I am tired of feeling like I’m doing to much and at the same time not enough.

I am tired of complaining about how I feel.

But it is how I feel.

What many do not understand is that as much as you are tired of my complaints, I am too.

I don’t want to feel like this.

I don’t want to be this way.

And if I constantly share with you, it is because I trust you with my pain.

I feel dramatic when I complain.

I feel like a burden.

I feel like I am doing way too much.

But I can’t help the way I feel.

Some days I wake up feeling like goddess,

And some days I feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe.

And that is how I feel.

I’m sorry that you are annoyed.

I’m sorry that you are irritated.

But I can’t not be sorry for the way I feel.

Don’t tell me I’m being dramatic.

I already feel like an attention seeker.

When loving someone with depression, make sure you can truly love them.

Make sure you can reassure them everyday.

Make sure you won’t get tired of them complaining about the same thing everyday, because we will.

Make sure you don’t get fed up quickly, because it won’t be easy.

It’s never easy to love someone who does not love themselves.

And some days it will be worth it. Because they will shine like the stars.

But some days it will be dark. They will drag you down to the abyss of their mind.

Please stay with them.

Be the light in their darkness, because they can not see a way out.

And if you are not ready to love someone who is depressed,

As a friend or far more,

Then leave them be.

It is better to have no one, than someone who comes and leaves.

My sadness is not interesting

It is not fun or entertaining

And if you want to stay anyway, I thank you.

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Sonder:

The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Oftentimes we allow the conflicts and hardships of our personal lives cloud the beauty of life in itself

The simple fact that you are you and out of 7 billion people in the world, and all the lives you could have lived, this is the one God chose to give you is amazing.

It makes you realize that if God could take the time, to create complexity for 7 billion people’s individual lives, yours must have purpose as well.

Now, the reality of this fact is scary. With so many other people, why is mine special or important?

Appreciate your struggles and the suffering you face, for many have it so much worse.

And that is not to say your struggles are not important, because every problem is valid in its individual right. But realizing the magnitude of life should not make you feel insignificant.

Because of all the lives you could have lived better or worse, God gave you this one. There must be a reason. A purpose.

Now you may struggle to find it, I am still searching vehemently for mine.

But until I find it I’ll keep looking and realizing that this world is so much bigger than just me.